Journal

Focus Rest
Theme Recovery

I was able to take a few hours these past few days to finally genuinely sit and relax and not be working on something. The buzzing sensation in my head has not returned since my hike in the woods, my anxiety has dropped off drastically, and my insomnia has at long last eased up. I’ve been able to sleep soundly and wake up feeing like the sleep was productive the past few days.

Overall, I’m still exhausted and paying down my sleep debt, and nervous about returning to work tomorrow. With respect to those things, I want to strive to be acutely mindful of my mental state going forward:

  • I would like to be more patient with myself.
  • I would like to slow down.
  • I would like to be mindful of how much stress and work I’m taking on.
  • I would like to be mindful of what my body is telling me.

I’m deeply grateful for this little break, and glad that I’ve had the schedule and flexibility to take it. Having healthier boundaries will be a much higher priority for me now that I understand how debilitating complete burnout feels.

The Twist

We got a loose sheet of paper in our mailbox towards the end of the day from our new landlord, who purchased the property in November. Effective 12/31/20 (five days ago today), our rent will be increasing by nearly 20% despite no renovations or upgrades. In addition, we’ll now be responsible for 100% of our utilities, tacking on an additional $60+ a month.

This is devastating news. It means that we can no longer afford to live here, and we have no choice but to move.

I feel like my burnout was instantly reset back to before the holidays. We love our current apartment and have great neighbors (who are seniors on fixed income, and are also being priced out of being able to live here). We had fully intended to stay here for a few years to build up more of a down payment for a house. With more time at home due to COVID, this is possibly the most unpacked we’ve ever been in an apartment before.

The thought of finding somewhere new to live, packing everything up, and being out of the unit in 26 days is… overwhelming. Frustrating. Crushing.

Where will we go? Will we be able to find anything in our budget in the middle of winter? What does this mean for my web development learning efforts, and when will I be able to resume working towards things? What does this mean for my burnout recovery, and will I still feel any of the relief from these past few weeks once we establish a path forward?

Lots of questions, but no answers. We will just have to see what pathways are open to us.

Gratitude

What is going well?

I’m grateful for the time we’ve had in a lovely apartment, and for the safety it provided us during onset COVID. My spouse’s optimism and determination in situations like this and these past few weeks while I’ve been recovering is so incredibly appreciated.

What could be better?

If we’re able to secure an extra month of rent at our unit under the listed month-to-month terms of our existing contract, that would be a lifesaver. I know that we’ll do everything in our power to get moving as quickly as possible, but who knows how quickly we can secure new living arrangements, or when they’d be ready for us to move in. Hopefully we can make something work in time.

Tasklist

  • Attempt to rest